Top 5 ways to beat the cleaning allergy. Do your kids have it?

On September 9, 2011 by Aimee

Here are the symptoms of this allergy:

Upon saying the word, “Clean —”

  • Immediate crocodile-sized tears double up with red-rimmed eyes and heaving sobs moving directly into
  • A stomach ache which zaps the center of the child and requires that she drop to the floor which leads to,
  • Limbs no longer functioning except to crawl along the floor, writhe or kick into the air followed by
  • Exhaustion so overwhelming that a favorite blankie and a nap is a requirement for healing but upon being told ‘no’,
  • All verbal communication is accompanied by high pitched whining or replaced altogether by said whining until no audible words are formed and
  • Threats of being sent to a corner or room, the reduction of privileges or even the dreaded spanking, serves only to further enhance all of the above effects
Really, Really big toys 'fix' the problem

Really, Really big toys 'fix' the cleaning allergy

I have spent the last fourteen-ish years documenting this phenomenon. Yes, yes, yes, I have. It’s been far worse in my female subjects than in my male subject.

You see … all three of my kids (aka test subjects) have responded exactly this way!

Now granted, the biggest of my three has learned to suck it up, but the other two (who are seven) have a SEVERE cleaning allergy reaction.

I have watched the progression of their symptoms get worse as they aged … however the severity on a case by case basis generally depends on just how messy the two smaller test subjects have let the room/area get … or rather how messy they’ve made it.

Perhaps it’s directly, inversely, proportional?

I never knew about this allergy, but now that I do, I only wish I could have done something to prevent it. Unfortunately, there seems only to be one way to do that … don’t have kids.

Since our human nature, for some weird hormonal reason, doesn’t buy into this philosophy of non-procreation, I’ve come up with some other methods of fixing this problem. So here you go … to solve your cleaning allergy problem with your own Mini-mes …

  1. Keep all purchases to the basic needs: food, clothing, shelter. Toys are not needs! No toys means no junk to pick up and thus does not lead to the start of the allergic reaction
  2. If you must buy toys, purchase only the largest — something so large your little kids can barely move it. This makes sure there is less stuff to pick up and organize and takes up so much space there is no room to get messy. Ensure all family members know about this rule too. To break it there would completely ruin all your efforts!
  3. If the Grandparents fail to listen and indulge your children despite your best laid plans, leave them (either children or toys — that’s up to you) at the Grandparent’s house. Simple as that!
  4. Set a rule: any toy, marker, crayon, piece of paper or other child-owned item, left on the floor more than 5 minutes after use is subject to immediate vaporization. This, of course will require the invention of a vaporizer, though I do find that bribing my oldest with a few dollars also makes stuff disappear.
  5. And last but not least, don’t be a wimpy parent.

Oooooh … I said that in my outloud voice, didn’t I? Yes, this entire post is actually my own tirade on my own ability to parent my children. I am wimpy. I admit it. I can’t stand fighting with my kids over cleaning up their room, our family room or even the kitchen.

My middle child loves to drop (literally) whatever is in her hand, onto the ground, wherever she is and leave it. She is the perfect candidate for a fine like those Do Not Litter signs (that might be a good idea, too).

How did this happen? I’m just too weak as a parent. Too weak to make them do what I say and each time I throw up my hands or walk away because their whining is too overwhelming, the effects of what I call their ‘cleaning allergy’ gets worse.

What am I going to do about it? Unfortunately, I think I’m a lost cause. But, I’m here to beg you to look for the signs and stay strong. Don’t let those kids run the house. Don’t be a wimpy parent like me.

If you are, your kids could end up like this: Why would anyone even want to hire millennials? Are they worth the trouble?

(Author’s note: Hopefully you realize this is a little tongue-in-cheek… but yes, I am a wimpy parent. I admit it. I can only hope my kids don’t follow my lead). 🙂

The above is why I write fiction … paranormal … specifically. Who wants to live in reality?

How about you?

Have you found away the wimpy parent syndrome (that’s a future post for sure!) or do you have kids with ‘the cleaning allergy’ like me? Share in the comments!

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