Is equality really necessary?
Oh, yeah, I’m sure my question is going to stir up trouble, but I’m not talking racial or ethnic or anything discriminatory. I’m talking about my identical twin daughters.
These two:
You see … my girls are ‘the same’ in almost everything. One is only about an inch taller than the other. One is only about a pound heavier than the other. Both right handed. Both green eyed. Both donated their hair to Locks of Love. Both lose their teeth at the same time (though in the opposite order).
Identical.
That should mean, ‘the same’, right? Equal?
Well, it doesn’t. Just because they are twins, doesn’t mean diddly squat when it comes to academics. Both my girls are smart. Super smart. Uniquely and ridiculously smart.
But …
One tests very very well. And one doesn’t.
One is like her dad. The other is like me. I don’t test well.
However, when our girls were born, we did our research and decided we’d fight for them to be together in school—and fight we did. I had to go to the principal (and have to repeat this each year) to get them in the same classroom. That’s a post for another time, but suffice it to say, parents SHOULD be able to dictate if their twins should be in the same room or not. Now, getting off my soapbox, mine ARE in the same class. On purpose.
They challenge each other. They work together incredibly well. They help each other. They push each other. They test each other. That’s what we wanted in every way.
So, when they both were up for consideration in the Academically Gifted Program, I signed the form and said ‘yes’, test them. I want them to get the best of both worlds – academically and in the challenge of learning more.
With Test 1’s success, I thought surely, they’ll both be placed in the program.
Test 2 results indicated one 3 points above the cut off and one 7 points below the cutoff.
Uh oh.
Now all the sudden, I’m faced with a decision. A parental decision. Do I give one the extra benefit that the school system won’t allow for the other? (Oh yeah, I should say I did ask for special consideration) Or, do I deny one something she earned in order to keep them equal?
Coming back to our decision from long ago, we decided (yes, we, not just me, but my hubby, too) that are goal, for the formative educational years was to keep the girls TOGETHER. That meant in everything.
So, no AIG program for the one who ‘made the cutoff’. But am I doing her a disservice?
Sometimes, I think I am. But then, I remember when I was tested for this program ages and ages ago. I did not make it. Yet, I took all honors courses. I graduated #12 of 364 kids. I didn’t lose out on not being a part of the program.
And that’s what I’ve got to remember.
We are not better than someone else because a test tells us so. My girls are equally smart, in different ways. Just because a school said one is gifted doesn’t mean the other isn’t. It simply means one answered questions ‘the right way’. Who’s to say the answers provided by the other were actually wrong?
So yes, to me, in this case, ‘equality’ is necessary. My girls will finish out their elementary years TOGETHER. As equals. And when they reach middle and high school, they’ll have an equal shot at all the courses, not because the Gifted program gave it to them, but because they worked their little tails off for it.
Just like I did.
Excellent post. I couldn’t imagine having twins – let alone raising them – but what you & the hubs have decided to do sounds like a great plan. Good for you & sticking with it!
Thanks! It’s one of those moments you go ‘is this right’ and it feels right but wrong at the same time. Ah. The joys of parenting!
Aimee, this a great question. You don’t want one to feel that she missed out and the other to feel lesser.
I agree with your decision though. As much as our government and school boards what us to think otherwise, school is not ALL about academics. It is about learning, it is about social interaction, it is about teamwork via sports and the arts.
Plus, quite often, the “gifted” programs don’t always live up to their hype. There was a girl in my daughter’s class that qualified and went with it only to return because she didn’t like it.
That was our same though, Dale. School shouldn’t all be about academics. I want her to enjoy her life as a kid and academics will come. Later. 🙂
We had the same thing with Ren and Marie last year- he got into AIG and she tested 2 points too low. However, we took the opposite approach and let him go ahead without her.
I do think our situation is a little different since they’re boy/girl and look nothing alike, so therefore people are a little less likely to compare them. But also they were never academically on the same page- at three years old he was already testing above first grade level and she was right where a three year old should be and that’s continued for 7 years- he’s way above and she’s right there where she “should” be.
While I don’t think you did the one who did get in a disservice- because let’s face it, AIG isn’t going to make the difference between her becoming a surgeon vs. a burger flipper- I guess I don’t think this type of equality is necessary either. I view mine as they’re two different people with different sets of strengths and the the equality needed is in celebrating both of their successes, be it academic, fitness, or interpersonal. If they weren’t twins and the older child didn’t get in to AIG but two years later the younger one did, would you have kept her out for the sake of equality? It’s not really their fault they shared a womb. But I also love Einstein’s quote: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
Overall, I think there’s a balance to treating them as individuals and honoring/fostering the twin bond. And as parents of multiples we all have to find that balance that works for our own family- for us I wouldn’t let him go to kindergarten at 4 when he was ready and therefore end up a year above her throughout school, but I did let him got to AIG without her. For your family, the balance point is different. But we all have the best interest of kids at heart even when the decisions are difficult with no clear right and wrong answer.
The best interest of our kids is exactly that. You nailed it.
having 3 kids, all of them tested “academically” over the norm, but that didn’t mean all went into the AIG program, in fact only 1 did. The one that DID was the one who’s most self motivated, however as an adult thats a whole different issue. The one who had the most ‘trouble’ with the system, organization (which was a 4 letter word) ended up choosing to go into the military and tested at the top 1% ever taking the ASVAB. Today he’s organized, a leader, independent and self assured. My AIG teen is aimless at the moment and she’s a junior (which is a bit nerve-wracking). SAT is Saturday, it’ll be a wake-up call for her or not- but she’ll find her way too eventually. They all do, just not always at our timetable! 🙂
And right there is the key. Just because they are ‘x’ at 8 doesn’t mean they will be ‘x’ at 16 or 30 or 80. Letting them be them is so important!