The art of saying ‘no’ … have you mastered it? #TiWiWF
I have three kids, as anyone who knows me, knows. I have in fact mastered the art of saying ‘no’. I can say it in my sleep. I can say it when totally distracted by everything else around me. Let me give you an example.
It’s 6:30 pm … just before dinner.
Kid #3: “Mom? Can I have a piece of candy from the candy bowl?”
Me: No.
Kid #3: “Mom? Please? Can I just have one piece of candy?”
Me: No.
Kid #3: “Mom—?”
Me: No.
And during this time, I’m either on my treadmill, with my laptop, reading or even working. So all the while, I’m typing or thinking or … something … and possess the ability to take in information, process it and respond.
Okay, I admit, sometimes, the processing part is either a little slow or not altogether there and my kids ask me a question that I probably should answer ‘yes’ to, but after so many years, the ‘no’ is downright automatic.
I use it a fair bit on my husband, too. 🙂 Then again, he has mastered the art of ‘no’ himself.
So when does it not happen? When can someone catch me and I will say yes?
It seems that occurs only with people I don’t see on a regular basis. With people who I interact with only on the Internet. Since I work from home and my team is remote, I say ‘yes’ to them a LOT. Since many of my writer-friends are only on Facebook or Twitter, I say yes to them a lot.
Why the difference?
First off, with work, my job is to say yes. It’s to focus. With my friends, I want to help them in whatever they’re doing because I don’t get to spend much time with them.
But with my family?
They are always around.
Always.
And when I say ‘always’, I mean allllllllllllllways. (Yes, I realize they are supposed to be, but my kids have been off school for 2 weeks, so they get the extra ‘alllllllllllways’ designation). 🙂
So what happens?
They get my ‘no’. They get the, “Mom’s in her zone; leave her alone.” face. They bug me only when I’m right in the middle of something and not paying strict attention to everything that’s going on around me. The other difference is that every question comes with a more high pitched, more definitive whine.
Yes, you heard it. And you know it.
Let’s recap:
It’s 6:30 pm … just before dinner.
Kid #3: “Mom? Can I have a piece of candy from the candy bowl?” <-- comes in a normal, but nasally whine.
Me: No.
Kid #3: "Mom? Please? Can I just have one piece of candy?" <-- comes with a huff of air and a high pitch.
Me: No.
Kid #3: "Mom—?" <-- starts OFF high and goes higher.
Me: No.
You see, it's not about the words. They could ask me if the sky was blue at a time where it was and I'd probably answer 'no' only because they'd ask it with such a Janice-from-Friends whine that my automatic reaction will be 'no' the moment they get the words out.
Now if they sent me an email, I'd probably focus on it and read it. And answer. And if my 7 y.o.s knew this, that's probably exactly what they'd do.
It's all about the tone they use to begin with. I mean, hey ... if they started like this? I'd probably answer right away.
Or maybe not. But it would be a whole lot better then the whine.
This is why I write fiction. None of the characters whine. None of them have any problem saying ‘yes’. Though me being me, I make it awfully difficult FOR them to say ‘yes’. I really should be more like my characters, but then again, that would mean fiction and real life collided and that’s just not right! I need my fantasy life where I’m the perfect Mom and wife and workerbee.
But I’m not. I’m just me.
And luckily for me, my kids still seem to like me.
Is ‘no’ an oft-used word in your vocabulary? Got any ways to combat it? Share in the comments!
Totally with you about two points:
1. Family vs Work
2. Tone
I definitely see a difference in how I respond to requests from coworkers versus requests from the Mrs. Unfortunately I tend to respond to coworker requests better then spouse. I think the real difference is that I have more command and authority in my professional environment and can say no because I really mean no. This usually means they go elsewhere or do without until I have more time available.
On the home front the request comes and it is usually desperate which leads to an entirely different tone and expectation. In the end being required to drop what I’m doing to address a problem becomes frustrating. To be fair to my wonderful and usually patient wife..I am a smartass and have regularly respond with “Sure..I can drop what I’m doing to take care of that…anything else you need?” I am learning this is not a good way to respond, especially since this isn’t what I would do at work. Right?
Definitely working on my use of the word No, and making it fair to everyone asking things of me.
In other circles, my son gets lots of NOs, but lots of Yes replies as well. Kid cracks me up!
You are too funny, Josh. Alex is going to be just like you. 😉
Um … no.
Ha!
Nah, just kidding. I tend to be the exact opposite. I haven’t even mastered the art of saying no when distracted. My response comes out as a kind of warped, uuuhnnnnnn, and the kids’ll interpret that exactly how best suits them. So when I catch them eating chocolate five minutes later and ask what are they doing eating that chocolate (growl, bark, roar), they smile all innocent and say, ‘but we asked and you said yes.’
*stare*
I’ve been caught in that one too. 😉 Oops.
I’m amazed at your ability to process information while concentrating on something else. I suspect it is part of the higher functions of a woman/mother’s brain. Something we men are lacking. It’s all white noise to me and the louder it gets the more irate I get.
I’ve told my girls that their ears are merely decorative and that the holes don’t go all the way in. That will happen when they are in their late twentys… hopefully. Men on the other hand, that never happens try as we may to prove otherwise. I just learned to accept my failings, embrace them and move on.
It’s all part of the Yin and Yang that is marriage. I squash spiders, my wife listens and distills the conversation for me 😉
My hubby squishes spiders for me, too! You guys are so amazing. 😉
My daughter’s little doe-eyed look when she wants something will SOMETIMES melt me into submission, but most of the time I can say no, though I don’t really have to do it that often. She doesn’t get into stuff and she’s not naughty most of of the time, though she does have her moments. It’s mostly when she tries to go to school in a skirt and t-shirt when it’s 5 degrees out that she gets my NO! I try to pick my battles, you know, the important stuff, so she also knows what YES sounds like, too. 🙂