Is it weird that I feel guilty for being happily married? #TiWiWf
When I asked my husband this, he laughed at me. Rightly so when you think about it. How in the world can I feel guilty for being happy? Did I want to be unhappy? Of course not! He offered to make my life miserable (in his own special way) but I declined.
Still, there’s this twinge of guilt that seems to come whenever I hear of a friend who’s getting divorced or separated. Moreso when I know there are children involved. It makes my inner guilt-o-meter spring up.
Why is this?
What is it about me?
I feel bad for my friends, for their children, for those involved. I wish, without even knowing a bit of the details, that I could have done something. That’s a stupid feeling because I know there’s nothing I could ever do to ‘fix’ someone’s relationship especially, when I don’t even know there’s something wrong.
It’s just that when I find out two people are no longer happy with each other it makes me wonder:
– what happened?
– why can’t they work it out?
– did he do something? did she?
– why get married in the first place?
– why have kids?
And then I start to think:
– what am I doing right? Is it simply luck? Is it my faith?
– what do I need to do to keep going on the right path?
– where we destined to be together? (this one comes up because of our youthful ages when we met)
Sure, these are all rational questions, but in context, they almost seem out of the ordinary. Why do I even worry or feel this way at all?
I am happily married. More than happily in fact. I should be ridiculously proud of making it through the tough years, of having the strength in our relationship to want to keep working through things.
I should say those things.
But it feels like gloating. And therein comes the guilt.
My friends are hurting and nothing I will say can help. I can’t say ‘been there done that’ and empathize. I can’t commiserate. I can barely sympathize because in my heart of hearts, I’m thinking “What did you do wrong?” when I know (in the logical side of me) that sometimes, there’s nothing ‘done wrong’. Otherwise, 50% of marriages wouldn’t end in divorce.
And so, I just feel guilty for saying only “I’m so sorry.” and leaving it at that.
Because there’s nothing more I can do except wish for a solution. Hope for the best. Say a prayer on their behalf and hug and kiss my husband because even just last night, he said, “You know, in another 40 years, we’re going to be in this drive through, ordering these sandwiches at the senior citizen discount for $8 instead of $30 to feed our 5 right now.”
And just the thought of another 40 years stirs my heart, makes me smile and almost brings a tear to my eye. Yeah … that’s how much I love him and could never, ever, ever dream of a life without him.
So to my friends who are struggling … if I sound unsympathetic or don’t say the right thing … it’s simply because I don’t know how. This is an area I can’t even explore and for that, for you, I’m sorry.
Am I crazy?
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